I am sad. I’m not talking just sad, I’m talking lucky charms, horses, and puppy dogs can’t even cheer me up. I am so broken. This is only the 3rd time in my life I have been this broken. That sad.
I am angry as well. Angry that people don’t think about how their actions will affect others. How they bring themselves into people’s lives and when they walk out of yours, they walk out of your family and friends as well, and don’t bother to be accountable for their actions. You put yourself in that position; the LEAST you could do is answer a phone call for the purpose of respect.
Why do people say empty words? Why do people say things they don’t mean, hoping if they say them they will feel that way? Why do people say things because it’s the heat of the moment, and how can they not realize that they are still empty words? Am I the only person left that says what I mean, and means what I say? I know I am not perfect and I still say things I don’t mean out of anger or hurt, but I try as quickly as possible to rectify that moment.
Is it possible for two people to feel the same way or does one always like/love the other more for it to work? Writing is therapy for me, so bear with me. It might not all make sense but this is how I work things out in my mind. This is not just coming from things in the last few weeks; it’s in part things I have been dealing with for the last 2 years. I guess when you partially heal or just keep trucking, it catches up with you at some point, or maybe the healing process just takes longer than you think with some things and you just think you are over them, so when those healing moments come, you realize, wow, I am still healing.
Don’t get me wrong, I have my strong moments where I feel good. Last night was hard. This morning was hard. I feel good right now.
I know if a person walks away from the best thing they will ever have, they will always compare what they had with that person to anyone they will have from there on. The important things in life are the people that are there for you when your heart is so crushed that the word crushed doesn’t even explain how your heart feels. Your heart hurts so bad, that your guts hurt. The kind of hurt that you have'nt eaten in 2 days because the thought of food makes you sick. Not because of how much you cared for that person but because you gave them the trust they asked for and they walked away from it. Simply put: you trusted them, and they betrayed that trust.
Even though Tim might not know this, I read his blog. haha. If he reads this it will probably shock him. He makes me realize the important things in life. This is a quote from a devotion that really reached my heart “It is easy for people to follow the money, the blessing, the easy way, but the presence of God often leads us through the depths of situations to reveal the power of the Lord into our lives. It is of utmost importance for our ear to be tuned to the moving of the presence of God so we can follow wherever it leads.” God is dealing with me, and I love it, but it’s NOT easy. Maybe this is a part of it. I want to be available. I want the true anointing, the kind that can’t be mistaken, imitated, the pure anointing.
God Help me, please. Make my brokenness beautiful.
All my love and heart,
Izzi
No comments:
Post a Comment