Just another day in paradise

I'm so tired this morning. My day off was just as busy as a day at work! It was productive though so that's what matters, right? So today my mind keeps going back to a conversation a coworker and I had. A few weeks ago we had a patient code and you have to keep all of the parafanaila for lack of a better word, for so long after they pass. When I went to work and saw it all in the fridge it stopped me in my tracks. For as long as I've been in the medical field it never seems like death gets any easier for me. It's almost like my mind can't wrap it's self around the concept of here one minute and dead the next. Anyway, as I stood there looking at their blood I was like wow. They are gone and this is what's left of them. Life is in the blood and this is what's left of their life. Somber.

Anyways, so as I was talking to a coworker about it they said so since you believe life is in the blood, do you think that's where the soul lies? Humm. I had to think about it and at first I was like ok. But then I decided that I don't know if I agree. I guess if you had to place a phyisicallity to a soul I might be inclined to agree but, the soul lives on after life so where does that leave it? Just something I keep thinking about today.

Before I lay my head to rest, I just have to get this off my chest....

Today was such a productive day. I took my cupcake to see her grandma and cleaned and vacuumed my car out. But while she was taking her nap I found out something hurtful. I trusted this girl a few months ago with some personal things I was going through. Sadly today I found out she wasn't a loyal person. :( It made me so sad. I pondered on it through out the day and 4 loads of laundry, changing sheets on 3 beds and a grocery run I came to this conclusion: I'm sorry I trusted you but I feel even sorrier for you. God is coming back so fast. Blink your eye, that's how fast. In the blink of an eye. Wow. I have bigger things to worry about. Perspective can be a funny thing huh? I went through really wanting to give her a piece of my mind to my feelings being really hurt....a series of emotions but, I'm settled.

Good night world!

Heavy day off

I saw some one die today.

How do you even follow that sentence up?!? As I lay here in bed I sigh heavily and finally ponder what my mind has been chewing on all day. I know that when this man woke up this morning he didn't think about this being his last day living. As he got dressed I'm sure he didn't take into consideration about what clothes he should wear to die in today. I'm sure he wasn't checking his watch as he went through his morning saying to himself well, only a few more hours left till 11:29am and I will be laying on the side of the road, while a stranger performs CPR on me.

Death is mean. It doesn't get old or age. It doesn't care if you're ready or not when it comes.

I feel almost disgusted at the thought of saying "hold the ones you love a little tighter tonight"

I prayed for this man as I watched CPR being performed. When I saw them stop, I prayed for his family. To say I feel sad doesn't begin to decribe how I feel at the massive jumble of thoughts running through my head.

It's been a long time since I've blogged but I think to sort things out I will start again.

All my love.

Nostalgia

As I am sitting here on my bedroom floor, packing boxes to move back to Kansas City, a big title wave of nostalgia hit me. It wasn't just a wave from one place in my life, it was from like 20 different places. I just wanted to write about a couple of them, just to get my thoughts out, maybe organized.

One feeling was about NYC and how in the last year it's shaped me, my marriage and so many things about my life. It's been quite the ride. The first year of marriage was HARD. I don't think anything that anyone could have said could have prepared me for it lol. Now that we are learning how to settle into it and having a baby and I am looking back on my year here in NYC I see a lot of growth to be appreciative of that I wouldn't have had probably any where else. I am thankful for it and hope that I don't look back. I don't want to be the same or digress. I hope I continue to grow and become strong. I also hope that I can use what I learned to help others, I NEVER want someone to know or have to deal too long with the feeling of loneliness I had so deep within me. I also want people to learn from example the lesson of how when we walk down the street in such a big city you don't have a choice but to rub shoulders with the rich and famous, the poor and homeless, criminals and most likely angels. People in smaller towns don't get to do that and I think we all should. I am going to make a point to serve more when I get back. In places you might not be caught dead in but I'll be there. I may not succeed in all capacities but I am going to try. It isn't contagious, it's precious because I learned a LONG time ago courtesy of Tim and Trish Sanders and Life Church in Houston that when you love the people that no one wants to love, God places the people that everyone loves in your life.

Another wave was about God. I am packing to Hillsong's song This is Our God. Powerful song. As I was listening to it I thought about when I was little and what was preached to me as a little girl. I am amazed where God as brought me from. He's freed me from man and his opinion and ruling. He's brought me to a place where I am learning to trust in him and what the meaning of leaning on him is. "It isn't God I need you NOW, I'm in trouble again I need you to get me out of this." It's this prevailing feeling that he is with you at all times, not just when you need him. It's that he is sweet enough to love you, even when you don't love yourself. I know a lot of people, maybe even people who I am closest to may not believe in him; but when you feel him he is undeniable. I don't even mind if you do or if you don't. I care yes about your soul but you are the one missing out. This is our God, this is who he is. As I was walking down the street today I heard a loud siren type of noise that sounded almost musical. For the first time in my life I wondered what song Gabriel will choose to play at the sound of the trumpet. I understood WHY it would and could be a precious sound. I get a little indignant when I think of how people can be. Don't EVER tell me my God isn't the same as yours, unless you worship the devil. He is RULER of ALL. That's our God, that's who he is. We share something so powerful and even if I don't like you as a person, we can worship under the same roof because he is OUR God. He is just and even when people don't see right or wrong, he DOES. I am so vulnerable to wrong doing but he, he is PERFECT. I can only hope that my life is one that he loves and start to make changes in my life shaped by his heart and direction.

Sometimes I think I blog because when I go back and read what I wrote I am reminded of how I felt and it puts me in check. I can't wait to see the people I love and move home.

See you SOON!

Lunch time blog!

I walk through the streets with million and 12 thoughts. When I sit down to blog they all run away and hide! I think I will start bringing my laptop to work and blogging at lunch.

So my thoughts lately are on this: all people really want is just not to be alone. Whether it’s your freak flag you are flying or something you need some one else to "get you" on, you just want to know that you are not the only one flying one or that someone else has one too.

I feel like I need to start a section of my blog titled: "What's nuts about this city today..." haha! I see some CRAZY things. This morning I saw a girl about 15 years old maybe getting out of a cab in front of a building that had a doorman. She had this confusing look on her face like she never opened a cab door for herself before. SERIOUSLY?????? This IS on Park Avenue but STILL!!!!!!!!! I wanted to shake the poor thing. When the doorman, who couldn't really see her, realized she was there he was falling all over himself apologizing for not opening the door. I wanted to shoot him for himself. That can not be a full filling career.....??

So my Mommo comes to see me in 14 days, 8 hours and 47 mins. I am a wee bit excited if you couldn't tell!!!!!!!!!! Agh!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in Starbucks blogging and this really adorable special needs guy just came in and went up to the register. The girl up there was so nice to him it made my heart smile. GO Starbucks barista! ;) It reminded me of how Jonathon deemed my mom the special needs minister and service patrol of TLC and I giggled. Ugh. I miss my Boo Boo.

Well, it took me a little while to find this Starbucks so now I have to get back to work but I will do more lunch time blogs!

All my love,
Iz

Frustrations.

Ugh. I hate this city right now. I hate that “shot shot, shot shot shot” is unmelodiously (I might have made that word up) playing outside with base shaking my windows. A bunch of drunk people with no awareness that people LIVE here screaming sluridly (yes, I did just make that word up) WOOOOO HOOOOOO just because they can. Yes, I am aware this makes me sound like the fun natzi and I am really not. I am just tired of this CONSTANT noise. I don’t know how people thrive off CONTINUOUS insanity and chaos. I have to have my quiet at times and where I usually have it is my home. A place I can go to and just breathe. I am not saying I want complete silence. I wouldn’t mind an occasional honking horn, siren or bass playing a little too loud but we are talking an around the clock, cease less noise of the following: ruckus, music blaring, screaming, yelling, people fighting, drunk people cussing each other out, a GIANT bus running it’s engine, motor cycles, not just honking but when one car honks at LEAST 4 follow in suite, or someone just LAYING on their horn. Imagine if this were all in your drive way. Either that or let’s just say that EVERY Friday night you had a incessant line of traffic outside your house with each car blaring their music and EVERY car had different music playing, not all even in the same language (not that it even matters at this point.) You can’t sleep with your windows open because there would be no sleep.

Maybe it’s friday night and I am just being too old fashioned or my age has caught up with me and I am just old and need to be taken to the funny farm. More than anything I am just downloading.

Believe it or not I DO like living here. I guess it’s just days like this when someone close to you in your life has a bad day then it makes your day bad too. It’s nice having someone to share things with but I guess this is when you realize that your mood strongly and directly effects others in an immediate facet.

Ahhhh. I already feel better.

Your name just might be in this ;)

I am.....bay far.......the MOST sentimental person I know. I wish I weren't sometimes but other times I face the truth of it. I am, by far, the most sentimental person I know. I wish I remembered HALF of the things I walk around thinking about and it crosses my mind "I should blog that!" and when I sit down to blog I think "what was I thinking about again?"

I just watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy (I can see some of the smirking now) and my heart is so full. It's not because of the show, we all know the drama and some of us just waller' in it haha. It was the Christmas episode from season 6 and it was SO heartfelt. It made me laugh and feel the feelings that only Christmas can bring. It's almost unexplainable but let me try a little. It's this feeling of hope that makes your heart rise to the top of your chest cavity. It swells with the sweetest, most pure love that a human can offer. To see it would be to look at the most tremendous sparkle, so blindingly bright but you can't take your eyes off the beauty of it. The most vivid of colors that make your eyes thankful for sight. A gratefulness for the simple things. *sigh* It makes you want to give what you have to offer, the best of yourself. Being a medical show it reminds me of why I want to further my career, to give the best that I can to people. To bring healing in various forms, what a gift.

We walked to Central Park today, Molly LOVED it. She almost pulled me into the lake chasing the ducks. We watched people ice skate. This little boy, about 1 year old with the sweetest little cheeks, brown eyes and a ring around his mouth of hot chocolate fell in LOVE with Molly and they played. It was peaceful. I see why people love Central Park so much. It's a break. It made me think and ask myself who are you when people aren't watching? I wondered as people passed are you still little Ms. Tough, hide your heart because it's been so hurt? Are you Mr. Macho because of the pain of losing something or trying to keep up? The summation of my thought was sometimes, you have to lose till you win and start it all over again. Sometimes, you just have to believe it will be alright again. I had a friend tell me one time years ago "When you hear faith is blind, it's true. Sometimes you have to have faith, even when you can't see it." it's REALLY stuck with me. I didn't say these thoughts were organized, I just offered to share them haha. They somehow have an arch of relevance in my mind. ;)

Everyone knows my relationship with church has changed. I haven't been ready to talk about it till now. I still don't know exactly what to say but I will say this: I believe in the doctrine I have been raised with. I strongly agree with the salvation. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is returning. I am reading The Case For A Creator. I am praying for some clarification for some things. Heaven help us all. ;)

I look at my husband who is sitting across the room as I type this, playing the piano. He's talented and brilliant and did I mention hot? *wink* I lit this cherries jubilee candle that my precious mother-in-law sent us for Valentines day and my dog who is the sweetest thing in existence is laying on the couch full from a snack I made her and my heart is beyond brimming with love and hope and feelings of goodness.

I miss Jonathon right now. *sigh* I can talk to him about something as deep as the meaning of life or laugh about an inside joke. I miss Becca, aka Houston. Just the thought of her makes me smile. I miss Pyle. Her advice and our chats. I of course miss my family. I miss Patsy's hugs and kisses and most of all hearing her pray. I miss riding with Syd and talking about horse bidness'. I miss the smell of grass, and seeing it, even if it's yellow. I miss seeing stars, I hope they still exist lol. I miss Shirley and her wealth of knowledge and her patience to teach and ability to talk to anyone who will listen. I miss MC's sweet smile and voice. I miss Starla, for too many reasons, that's a whole blog in and of it's self. I miss Kim, the person that can relate to ANYTHING I say because she's an amazing friend like that. I miss Drea who offers the most unconditional love of anyone I know. I miss Jess, her heart of gold and humor that can knock my breath away and her loyalty. I miss the Sanders and laughing with them and playing with Owen and DJ. These are just a few things that I miss at the moment. :)

I think my occipital protuberance is crooked today lol. I know that my nose is crooked everyday but maybe that's what's wrong with me, either that or maybe it's a full moon. Which makes me think of Rainey. Miss sharing with you girl. :) Do the full moon dance for me. ;)

Till next time........

Love,

Iz