Is it human nature to want something more or start to appreciate it if we didn't…..if we knew we were going to lose it? No matter what it is, whether it be a relationship, friendship, or time in your life. For example, I have watched personally two people love someone, the other person not return it but as soon as that person has moved on, they come back around knowing they are hurting something but don't care. They all of a sudden want them back, because they had seen what they have with another person. Is it because they had that once with them and want it back? Do they REALLY appreciate it or do they just want it because they know they lost it or don't want anyone else to have it? Do feelings for someone you love really go away and how do you explain when they change...even if you don't want them to? Why are these things in life so hard to sort through, figure out and learn?
I don't get this. I have spent most of the day studying, so blame it on my brain being homework fried. J Ever have a day where you fight with yourself? I have spent most of the day doing just that. We are almost at peace, lol but my heart and mind just won't settle down. They can't agree. lol We've (my heart, mind and I) have just about done it all today, laughed, cried, been mad, happy, confused, content, and even sat on the trunk of my car and thought while we watched it storm. Consider that as your warning before reading on. I think I am moving home in December when my semester is done. I am 90% sure. It's for several reasons, and for the good……I think. I am just so mixed, so I write. Lucky you. I know not many will read this whole thing so it's ok. Most will read the beginning and the end, so I can pretty much say what I want in the middle.
There's a song that kinda describes how I feel: "I used to run in circles going nowhere fast. Take one step forward and look two steps back, I couldn't walk a straight line even if I wanted to. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand, but your teaching me to be a better man" This is not necessarily exactly how I feel. I feel like I am going somewhere, but at the same time it's so slow. I feel like I am sitting there watching a plant grow. I know everything happens for a reason. I LOVE home. I just wrote last week how there is no place like it and it's SO true. But how is it that all of a sudden I don't know if I want to move back and why am I scared? I know some reasons that I am scared. I am coming home with only ½ of what I wanted to accomplish and that's intimidating. I also know one of the people I have loved the most in my life is no longer there. He was my security when I had none. He was my crutch when I needed something to lean on. He was my laughter, even when I didn't want to laugh. He cried with me when I cried, and told me the truth when I didn't want to hear it. He was the one thing that could break my spirit when I needed something to reach my heart. He brought me so much happiness and I have never even told him. It's always been unspoken. He became my flesh and blood and I don't even know when, or how, or why it happened. I feel like I have been out of touch and I know that is only normal but it scares me at the same time. I am starting to know what I will miss being here, and I feel scared I will miss out on something by moving back. I have seen where I have grown while I have been gone and how will people deal with that? I am not the same person, What will they think of that? Will they be accepting?
I am leaving someone here who I love more than life it's self. She has become a friend when I needed one the most. One of the very best things to ever happen to me in my life. She loves me for who I truly am. I have never had to be anything for her to unconditionally love me for me. She is literally a priceless jewel. I know you never lose who you really love but it's hard to be with a person pretty much every day for a year and then all of a sudden they are ganked from your everyday life. She is literally like family. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt God sent her to me as a gift. She is my God given angel in flesh. So real, so sweet and I love her more than anything. The thought of not seeing her every day simply put literally hurts my heart so bad. It rips it out to be honest. There's another song that summing it up says "I asked a man the secret to life and he said all I can say is 100 years goes faster than you think, don't blink." Life does go by so fast, remember that plant I was just talking about? It's like as soon as you take your eyes off it, it grows and it's gone by and you missed it, but if you would have watched it you almost wouldn't have seen the growth. Make sense?
Another line in that same song says "When your hour glass runs out of sand, you can't flip it over and start again." I know that this last year has changed me as a person. Thank God, because I never want to remain the same, I want to constantly be changing into what he wants me to be, but I don't want my hour glass to run out of sand before I am done, but are we supposed to feel "done" when it does? I know in life there are also times you find out who your friends are. This is a hard lesson, the people in our lives come and go but there are some that will ALWAYS be there. I'm SO thankful for those. They have been pillars in my life and I am more grateful for them than EVER. I know I have become a better person in the last year, but why all of a sudden is the place I hated so much at one time the place I now don't want to leave? I NEVER thought I wouldn't want to go back home, but there's a part of me who doesn't. Why?
There's a new wind blowing that I've never known. I'm letting go of my past. There are times in our lives we have to do this, more than once, it's like a annual thing, lol. It's like a figurative tossing of the ashes of a urn into the ocean. God let me find your grace in every mistake I make, and always give more than I take. Does anyone understand any of this? I have always been transparent. I hate it, but God has created me like this for a purpose. If you have any pearls of wisdom I would love to hear them about right now. Thanks for letting me vent.
I guess this is just giving me a head start on my "lessons learned" journal entry for next year. Wow, it's already started! Can't a sista get a break up in dis thang called life? Lesson not learned yet..stay tuned I guess, to watch the plant grow, lol where do I get my analogies? Note to self: I've got to get better ones.
Much love,
Elizabeth
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